By Matthew Clark
After Student Government Finance and Fees Cabinet Secretary William Sedgwick was arrested for driving under the influence of alcohol and SG’s criminal records were published, President Jordan Johnson used his first executive order to give every major SG official a “Get Out of Jail Free” card.
“Just like Blackberrys, parking passes and expense accounts, these are just tools to allow Student Government to do its job,” Johnson said. “Without them, we’d never get any work done!”
Student Senator Jon Ossip opposed the idea, suggesting instead that fines from the arrests of SG officials in subsequent DUIs should go to the subscription of Le Monde, one of the largest French-language newspapers in the world, as part of the SG Readership Program.
“It’s absolutely preposterous that at an institution such as UF, which claims to be part of a ‘global society,’ honors students can’t find French-language newspapers anywhere on campus! What is this, state college?” Ossip said.
After a landslide SG election victory by the Unite Party, the Pan-Hellenic Council released a statement saying all students should become united under a common cause. The statement also mentioned that the English major minority was responsible for the university’s budget problems, adding that Santa Fe College was encroaching on UF’s natural, God-given territory, and Begrüßen Sie Gator Nation.
UF’s Center for Public Health issued a statement warning students to stay away from Radical Rush for fear of catching a more contagious virus than H1N1: giving a shit.
“We’re told that the pathogen can be exchanged through dialogue,” officials said. “If students start feeling like they can be a part of a greater change in society, they’re advised to stay at home and watch Maury.”
SG has issued Starbucks VIA around campus to help consumers avoid contamination.
“We’re encouraging everyone to remain calm… which is ironic considering the coffee and everything,” Senate President Audrey Goldman said. “But seriously, try to stay as apathetic as possible. I wouldn’t even worry about worrying.”
The Infirmary suggests using sarcasm to combat any feelings of do-wellness.
A new university poll suggests students care more about how much they pay for their food than the actual food they are eating.
“That sounds about right,” said Aramark spokeswoman Jill Rodriguez. “I mean, I work for Aramark, and I still bring a bag lunch. Have you tried that stuff lately? It’s like prison food. Oh, wait…”
The poll, conducted by the Graduate Statistics program, was funded by Aramark in order to find out exactly how much it could jack up the prices and only piss off 30% of its customer base.
“I mean, those Krishnas are out there charging four bucks for their lunches! C’mon!” Rodriguez said. “We can’t compete with that! And they don’t even get their food from migrant workers.”
The Fine Print is not responsible for anybody taking this seriously. The fake news presented here does not necessarily reflect the opinions of The Fine Print.